During this rainy early February week, I flew to San Francisco to participate in a 24-hour relay with team Mermaid Mayhem.
I’ve swum in San Francisco’s aquatic park before, when I swam from Alcatraz in 2021. But, on that occasion, my SCHYT team was with me, and they were a safety buffer between me and the world.
I dedicated that swim to my mom and Sister-In-Law, Sandy. I get teary eyed thinking about spotting the Ghirardelli’s Chocolate Factory for the entire race. Sandy loved chocolate and when she called me to say goodbye, the night before she died, I said I would think of her every time I ate chocolate.
This time, I’m being brave on my own by joining people I’ve barely met, with the exception of Heather, who moved to Denver last year and coach Sidney.
Ruben dropped me off at the airport and I lugged my Speedo backpack to the gate, as I did many times before when I was a fancy-free 20-year-old. Time moves so quickly now; I am 20 in my mind, but a ubiquitous 54 year old, fleece-clad woman at gate 24 today.
It is different to move through the world more slowly and awkwardly. Sometimes, I feel 99% “normal” and other times, I’m decidedly not normal, unable to open the door with a key, my right foot is balled up from dystonia, I can’t open small objects. However, I’m grateful for my diagnosis. Now, I know what is going on and I can compartmentalize this one thing about me. I can say, oh that’s my Parkinson’s.
This week, I was tasked with presenting about something I’m thoroughly passionate about, reading instruction. I thought I was fine, but when the microphone was handed to me, I froze. It felt like my brain was separated from my body. I saw hundreds of people staring at me, and instead of being able to share my passion, my brain said, focus on that slight snicker in the audience.
It was a learning experience. My husband always says, “You can’t control what other people think about you.” It’s true but hard to really actualize this. People, unless they are monks tasked with praying for the world, like my favorite surfing monk Friar Wetta, (thank you Mandy Bell) are decidedly self absorbed. They really don’t care if you stutter or walk with a slow gait, unless you’re running for president, then perception becomes reality and that’s a different story.
Cheers to bravery! Cheers to moms taking time to chase their own damn dreams! (Said with Lizzo’s voice) Cheers to jumping into a 50 degree ocean! Cheers to staying up all night and swimming in the dark! Cheers to women coaching & helping other women! Cheers to men being caregivers! Cheers to anyone that’s a caregiver! Cheers to big tips & being nice! Cheers to the Dolphin Club! Cheers to good books & smelly, handmade soap! Cheers to my mermaid friends!